I'll be the first to tell you, that I don't really care for fancy coffee. I just like it for the caffeine rush, so I usually just pour hot water over Instant Maxwell House. And it comes out so thick, dark and crunchy, I think the stuff must come directly from someone's backyard compost. And, clearly, with very little processing.
So, looking to pick up my tastes, so they're at least equal to Boxcar Willie's, yesterday I went to Starbucks at The Rye Ridge Shopping Center. Where I saw some coffees that were great to look at, but so busy and all-over-the-place, I also found them to be a little disturbing. Sort of like watching Anne Hathaway in that new English movie she's in.
One of the stranger beverages I scoped out, is something called "Soy Strawberries and Creme Frappucino Blended Beverage." Which is not just a coffee drink, but a name so long, they also tell you what track it's arriving on. Amazingly enough, Starbucks claims this beverage only has 250 calories. And that's only if you look at it. And if you do, it's so blindingly bright, you need to take the same precautions you use when gazing at a solar eclipse. Poke a pinhole in aluminum and then peek quickly.
Moving up on the calorie scale, is the delicious "Double Chocolaty Chip Frappucino Blended Beverage." Which takes so much wind to pronounce, most people order it from a sitting-down position. Except, after you drink it, it takes hours to get upright again. The good news is that it tastes amazing. The bad, is that it has 55 milligrams of cholesterol. So two of these and you've hit your recommended allowance until St. Swithin's Day.
Someone sitting beside me had a brewed beverage called the "Caffe Misto." An expression that should only be used when ordering. If you say it to a woman and wink, she'll give you a two finger eye-poke just like Moe gives to Curly! Still, it's much lower in cholesterol and fat than its tubby cousin the Frappucino. The Italians call it "caffee misto," the French, "cafe au lait." Here, in Port Chester, they just call it "Ralph." And yet, no one knows why.
One of the more intriguing items Starbucks sells is something called the "Coffee Traveler," which is a "convenient carrier" holding 96 ounces of the hot beverage. And, I think, the name of that band with John Popper. It's recommended that you share this with at least 8 friends. But, if you do down all this caffeine yourself, you can accomplish things in one hour you never thought possible. Like reading all of Joyce's "Ulysses." Or, translating it.
The Cinnamon Dolce Latte is a delicious drink, that Starbucks claims is very much like the sweet desserts once made for you by mom when you were a kid. Actually, my mom use to serve me several actual lattes a day. Which is why I was able to do so much extra-credit work, I skipped six grades,. Literally. Not to mention running the New York Marathon. I'm sure I must've slept back then, too. But there's no proof of it at all.
I finally settled on a plain old "Iced Coffee With Milk." It was delicious, even though it has enough sugar, that by the time you take your last sip, you're seriously considering dialysis.
Surprisingly enough, the Iced Coffee does have 2 grams of protein. So, 20 of these babies and you should hit your daily adult requirement. Of course, you'll also be talking so fast, the only job you'll be able to get after that, is as an auctioneer.
But in the coffee world, it's like everything else? Who said it was supposed to be perfect?
