Let's say you have a sensitive, artsy kid, the kind who is completely confused by baseball. Who goes up to home plate wearing a catcher's mask and glove. I mean, when he's batting. Maybe it's time for such a child to explore The Rye Arts Center.
This summer, they have a bunch of great new courses, including an Introduction to Songwriting. Where kids will learn that for every Major Chord there is a relative minor. This lesson will serve you well musically and also keep you from getting arrested when you're dating.
Who would want to miss this?
Here's what you can expect.
Meet The Instruments: If you meet an instrument without the proper introduction, your playing may end up sounding strange, awful and tuneless. Some people laugh at this theory. But they stop when they hear Neil Young.
In this course, such accidents will never occur. Kids will be introduced to various instruments, who are all from good families. Plus, their chaperones will be present.
Instructors will play snatches of famous pieces. Actual playing will only begin after everyone has passed their physical and has been issued safety helmets. PS: after last summer's music class, kids whose dads are personal injury attorneys will be barred. That 'slide-trombone elbow' case cost us a fortune.
The Art of Songwriting: Here, your kids will learn the art of composition, focusing on lyric, melody and harmony. Also, what L'il Wayne does.
The course also promises to give your child the tools to create his or her "masterpiece." But as an example of "masterpiece," they use "Gimme Dat Ding" by The Pipkins. So proceed cautiously.
The Figure In Context: Here, adults and teens will learn to paint and keep things 'in context.' Thankfully, they've changed this from keeping things 'in perspective.' Everybody thought this was a self-help seminar. And when they found out it wasn't, they went home. And in much worse shape than when they came!
The Art of Auditioning: Students will be taught the secrets to giving a great audition. How to behave confidently, relax and sing on-key. Barring that, how to soap the floor for the person auditioning after you. Who, while singing, "Mammy," slides right out of the theatre. And the job is so yours!
Digital Film with iMovie Week: In one week, students will learn to make a short film, from conception to storyboarding, from shooting to editing. Once you get this crap out of the way, you'll learn the important stuff. How to say 'And I want to participate in the merchandising,' or, 'What's the back-end deal?' and look convincing.
For your film, you may not find a lot of actors around this summer, but I think you can probably convince Lindsay Lohan. As long as you learn the phrase, 'Completion bond.' You're really going to need that one.
Acrylic and Oil Painting: Students will work in both mediums, with special emphasis on the Still Life. They'll start by painting the folks who work at the DMV. And move on from there.
Design Week: This is for students who wish to learn layout on their Mac. If you think it's a philosophy class, meaning 'Design vs. Cosmic Accident,' you are also welcome. Please, though, come an hour early, so we can clear this stuff up.