The Big Brush-Off

It wasn't that long ago, when I had one of the most profound insights of my life. 'My dog,' I thought, 'needs me to brush his teeth.' Which was true. But it also convinced me I shouldn't share any of my less profound insights.

How did I know Happy needed help in this area? After all, a dog's breath is never all that pleasant. Comparing favorably with Deviled Ham that's been in the refrigerator for a year. Or Deviled Ham that's just been opened.

So, it wasn't like he yawned and innocently set the room ablaze, like Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter." It's just that I happened to notice some tartar on the dog's teeth and remembered how it can ultimately lead to things like heart disease. And if the teeth get bad enough, it can lead to much worse things. Before you know it, your dog has a diamond grill and looks like  Lil Wayne.

So, casing the house and realizing I didn't have the right teeth cleaning apparatus, I set off to get some.

Mostly, I scoured the CVS on the Post Road. Which was daunting. Whoever knew there were so many kinds of toothbrushes? Usually, I go to Costco and get a pack of 25 and forget it. In fact, I'm still working on a bunch, which I think I purchased during the Fall of Saigon. But CVS set my head spinning. Just the Oral Bs alone, are so numerous, with one exactly like the next, except for a slight, but important variation. Clearly, Oral B is, like, the Johannes Brahms of the toothbrush world.

Maybe, I thought, I should get my retriever one of those spin-powered toothbrushes. But brushing his teeth with one of those Arm and Hammer deals, made me think the dog might get spoiled. And then, eventually, the old hairbrush wouldn't be enough for him anymore, either. And he'd want me to use a hot comb. Soon, gold chains would be hanging from his neck. And again, the spector of Lil Wayne hoved into view.

I finally settled on a Colgate 360 Medium. Which states that due to its "tongue cleaner," that it removes "significantly more bacteria than tooth brushing alone." A claim that will probably never be contested. Bacteria in the mouth is very hard to quantify. And no one really wants to go in there, unless they really have to.

Now, you can use a regular toothbrush on your dog, but regular toothpaste is not such a good idea. It has certain sweeteners and additives, that can make him sick. Not unlike the Sour Patch Kids. So, you need to go to a pet store to get something that goes in a dog's mouth and removes that significant amount of bacteria in there. Or, at least, lets you break even.

So I headed over to Rye's Pet Pantry Warehouse and looked for some of this gunk. For some reason, looking for dog toothpaste was a kind of disturbing reason to be there. Like sex, it's something you need every once in a while. But you feel just awful asking for it.

So, acting like the perv I felt like, I skulked through this store, keeping my eyes peeled. It took a while, but before they closed up for the night, I found something called Pet Dental. Not only was it toothpaste specifically-designed for dogs, but it was "chicken-flavored." It was one of those moments when an object was so important, that life, usually meaningless and random, suddenly organizes itself around it and everything is orderly and makes sense. Meaning, if Socrates had ever discovered chicken-flavored toothpaste, he might never have killed himself.

I grabbed a tube, paid for it and headed home, with a new sense of purpose. Happy was glad to see me. At least until he realized what I had in my hand and why I was approaching him. It required several moves on my part to subdue my Golden. Luckily, I watch those Ultimate Fighting matches on TV. So I know what I'm doing. Hap and I got into some of that "submission grappling." There was a takedown. Eventually Happy had to "tap out." And it was all over.

Sorry, Hap. But this is about your health. So, when it comes to that sort of thing? A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Even, I feel compelled to say, when it comes to his dog's teeth.